Home again, home again...

[dalekboy]

So, we slept pretty solidly and woke this morning feeling... knackered. No idea why! *grin*

We chatted to the doctor, who ended up crying in front of us because we're such a loving and supporting couple. Chatted to Maree, our favourite midwife, who is looking foreward to us coming back in again one day with a full-term pregnancy.

Didn't get to talk to Nurse Dalek, as we now call her. Shame, I would have liked to have heard her grate, "Next time bring in viable off-spring!"

And we spent time with our little girl once more. We may be the only people in the world who think this way, but to us she's beautiful and perfect. But you know what bloody parents are like! "Ooohhh.. isn't beautiful? She how's she's almost got ears? And look! You can see her skeleton through her skin! Isn't that adorable?"

I realised, thanks to the weight description on the box, that Tracy weighed the same as three of those Ferrero Rocher chocolate balls.

I realised also, that she was the same size as an action figure. I checked her against the palm of my hand and just paused to check against a figure here - my daughter was the same height as a David Tennant action figure!

I told Sharon there was something I needed to do with bub, and I hoped it wasn't too weird or freakish for her. I picked up Tracy in the little blanket and such that they had her wrapped in, and held her close to me. Then, swaying and turning gently, I danced with my daughter to the music in my heart.

Sharon wept as I danced the one dance I would ever have with our little girl. I looked up into her tear-filled eyes, turned back to Tracy and said, "You know, you're a crap dancer." To which Sharon responded, "Well, you're meant to be leading!"

I finished, and kissed Tracy goodbye, knowing this would be the last time I saw her. She's going to pathology in the hope that if it wasn't just a random hiccup, we can stop it happening again to one of her little brothers or sisters. We're arranging to have her cremated separately, and we'll collect her ashes. There won't be much left. I want to mix a little of her remains with my father, as it's the closest he'll ever get to seeing his grand-daughter.

I also want a pinch to go to Eucla with me.

lilysea drove us home and we collapsed into bed. I woke at one point to find Sharon crying in her sleep, so I held her and she awoke from the sad dream in my arms.

It's funny the way my mind works. Ok, it's also scary. On one hand I'm a little sad that I won't be able to take my healthy baby to Swancon and do a Doctor Evil and Mini-Me costume for the masquerade. On the other hand, with all the horribly black humour that has come from this situation, I'm very tempted to turn it into a show for the Melbourne Comedy Festival - with gutter_monkey's dalek in the appropriate part!

Teasing My Dead Daughter

a black comedy about miscarriage and livejournal.

We're both doing ok. A little teary, very tired, but good. We're also aware that in coming days, or weeks or months that we won't be. I don't know when Shaz or I are going to crawl into a ball and wail for an hour, but I know it'll happen. Probably more than a few times.

Thanks again, to those who posted, to those who thought about us, and to those who prayed for us. You've all shown that if we need you, a community of people is there to comfort us, hold us, to give us strength, and let us be as weak and fragile as we need to be.

Comments

[bigevilogre.livejournal.com]

I cried a little bit for you guys last night. But I think it's all appropriate, especially the dancing and feeling she's beautiful. I don't know if you saw the post with the kitten problem I had, with the deformed one. People reacted by asking if I killed the thing. A few found out that was not the thing to say to me. I did what I could to keep it alive (Well, the vet did). To me it was still an adorable little kitten no matter the deformity.
You're going to be a great father some day. You have a lot of compassion and a poetic view on humanity and spirit. The day will come where all this will hit you with all the force of a heavyweight boxer right across your jaw... but you have a good mind and heart to get back up and try again. I'm glad you're doing the cremeation, too.

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

I did see a bit of that post. One of the side effects of the mini-stroke is my seriously decreased ability to read - if I'm not wide awake it's virtually impossible to concentrate on text for more than a paragraph or so - and replying is difficult, too. Hence not interacting much on LJ - by the time I've written something, I'm stuffed.

But I did see your post about the kitten. I think I was travelling but I loved the way you wrote about it. And wanted to go back and read through the whole sequence. Will try to do that soon-ish.

And I meant to say this with one of your comments from the other day - I often find your words and thoughts in these situations beautiful and comforting. You have a rare emotional sensitivity mixed in with that in-your-face attitude, and it's one I recognise and respond well to. Without taking anything away from all the other wonderful people out there, you are one of the folks whose presence I cherish on here.

I really hope we get to hang out one day.

[bigevilogre.livejournal.com]

I try to be worth having around. Perhaps the day will come we might be able to hang out, when that day comes I sure hope we know someone with plenty of bail money!
Some folks would say that I'm TOO emotional and sensitive. I'd rather go that way than to be insensitive and like a jerk. Then I'd be like the folks that booed me out of Deviant Art.
I'm very glad you find comfort in my words! It shows I'm doing what I hope to.