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A day of rest and thoughts
So, I'm sitting at ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nevryn's place. I got in late last night. It's funny how much I love the guy. I was sleeping in the lounge and woke up at about 5:30, and couldn't get back to sleep, but was sensible and made myself stay there. Later I heard his alarm go off, he hit snooze and I waited. It went off again and he hit snooze again. He does this. And every time the alarm went off I got just a little bit more excited - Is he coming out yet? Am I going to see him? - if I'd had a tail it would've been wagging.
Then I put the pieces together - I'm laying on the floor of the loungeroom, all excited waiting for my first glimpse of the lad, ready to greet him all cheery-like - Yes, I'm his fucking dog!
He's off at work now. I've tried on his underwear, one of each of his socks, and now I'm doing the weird juggle between making sure I rest, and having so much to write about.
I wasn't able to write much on the actual trip - a mixture of limited mental and physical stamina, plus not much time to write. Want to do two trip posts. One a run down of some of the nifty stuff what I did, the other all about the weird emotional/psychological journey. I'm breaking them up so those who really don't like reading about my serious self-examinations, sex life, insecurities, and me crying lots, don't have to.
Also wanting to do another Gifts-style post, talking deeply about some of the recent good and bad things that have happened in my life. There's been some beautiful stuff on this trip, but also some things (mostly well pre-trip) that have left scars over the last year or so that I haven't mentioned.
I'm still pretty broken all up. Have tried to figure whether I had a bit of a breakdown while in Melbourne... or whether 'bit of a breakdown' is possible, like being slightly pregnant. Certainly I can't remember a time in my life when I've been this much of a mess - it really is very interesting. And it's given me some interesting opportunities from an emotional growth point-of-view that I may never have had otherwise. Even with all the tears, neediness, general falling-apart-ness, I keep finding things interesting, positive, lovely or all three.
It's certainly pushed me well outside my comfort zones, which I always think is a good thing. Always been all too happy to give help, but not take it because I didn't want to be a nuisance. Now I'm actively asking! Go me!
Anyway, I'm rambling because I'm tired. You can tell I'm tired, I've added a bunch of books to Facebook.
nevryn's place. I got in late last night. It's funny how much I love the guy. I was sleeping in the lounge and woke up at about 5:30, and couldn't get back to sleep, but was sensible and made myself stay there. Later I heard his alarm go off, he hit snooze and I waited. It went off again and he hit snooze again. He does this. And every time the alarm went off I got just a little bit more excited - Is he coming out yet? Am I going to see him? - if I'd had a tail it would've been wagging.Then I put the pieces together - I'm laying on the floor of the loungeroom, all excited waiting for my first glimpse of the lad, ready to greet him all cheery-like - Yes, I'm his fucking dog!
He's off at work now. I've tried on his underwear, one of each of his socks, and now I'm doing the weird juggle between making sure I rest, and having so much to write about.
I wasn't able to write much on the actual trip - a mixture of limited mental and physical stamina, plus not much time to write. Want to do two trip posts. One a run down of some of the nifty stuff what I did, the other all about the weird emotional/psychological journey. I'm breaking them up so those who really don't like reading about my serious self-examinations, sex life, insecurities, and me crying lots, don't have to.
Also wanting to do another Gifts-style post, talking deeply about some of the recent good and bad things that have happened in my life. There's been some beautiful stuff on this trip, but also some things (mostly well pre-trip) that have left scars over the last year or so that I haven't mentioned.
I'm still pretty broken all up. Have tried to figure whether I had a bit of a breakdown while in Melbourne... or whether 'bit of a breakdown' is possible, like being slightly pregnant. Certainly I can't remember a time in my life when I've been this much of a mess - it really is very interesting. And it's given me some interesting opportunities from an emotional growth point-of-view that I may never have had otherwise. Even with all the tears, neediness, general falling-apart-ness, I keep finding things interesting, positive, lovely or all three.
It's certainly pushed me well outside my comfort zones, which I always think is a good thing. Always been all too happy to give help, but not take it because I didn't want to be a nuisance. Now I'm actively asking! Go me!
Anyway, I'm rambling because I'm tired. You can tell I'm tired, I've added a bunch of books to Facebook.
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I think breakdowns can come in all shapes and sizes, and one person may even have different types at different times.
Different intensities, different lengths of time, smooth or bumpy curves into and out of it, and about different things etc.
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No, why? Do you think I should?
Nah, couldn't do that. That'd be weird that would, wearing girl's underwear. People would think I was strange or something.
Simon's socks work great as willy warmers, you know...
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Can't wait to see you sweetheart. Lots of hugs in your direction until I get to see you in person to give them!
Love and hugs!
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And they're still warm...
There you go, something to try next time I'm over!
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As usual, I find the whole process I'm going through fascinating, and finding all these interesting upsides - like actually being broken enough to ask for lots of physical affection - I've always wanted physical affection from people I like/trust, but been way too self conscious to ask. Now it's like, "Need this just to cope, so ask and if they say no, you know to hold yourself together a bit firmer..."