So where does the happy go?

[dalekboy]

The last few days have been... ok. For a start I've had a sex drive, or at least the half-hearted stutterings of one. I mention it first because this is a pretty good indicator of how I'm doing. It takes a lot to kill it. The fact that I'm having runs of 8-10 days at a time where I have no or even negative desire is fairly telling. If I'm comfortable, relaxed or happy, chances are I'll be running with at least my usual background interest in sex.

For the rest, my mood has been alright, I've struggled a bit but managed to get some stuff up and sold on eBay, I'm enjoying IM-ing with my new crush (who doesn't return those feelings but does rather enjoy talking with me, so it's win-win regardless), home is good, Mum's ok, life with Sharon is as wonderful as always, and I haven't cried at all for a week or so, not even in the shower.

That said, I hadn't been pleased to realise the other day that at least part of the reason was that I was feeling comfortably numb.

This is not my preference, 'cause I know the grief and pain just hides away and festers if this happens. However, the things that numb it tend to be more or less endemic to my home life. I'm not trying to hide away the bad feelings, but in dealing with mum, the business, everyday life, I just unconsciously shunt the pain to one side. And because I don't realise I'm doing it, it's kind of hard to stop myself. So I suddenly woke up to the fact the other day, but had no idea of how to stop it happening. However I knew that it would likely break me again, probably quite soon. Which would appear to be now.

I'm not complaining... and I am. On one hand, I want to feel it all as it comes, because then it doesn't build up to the overwhelming levels that caused the breakdown as soon as I left Canberra and relaxed. On the other hand, because what is happening tends to be squeezed off to a drip, the pressure builds up until I blow. And that is my current cycle. Instead of a steady, even release of emotional pressure, my fucked-up brokeness will stagger to a halt over a few days, stay quiet for a bit, then explode and overwhelm me again.

It's worth stopping it happening because otherwise there will be hidden pressures that still don't get released and I'll get what I had at the start of my most recent trip - I'll fall to absolute pieces as soon as I get away from here - which will mean that the things I want or need to do while I'm away will suddenly become much more difficult and awkward. And while I've learned enough and have been placed in a position where I'm quite willing to rely on some people to help me, I'd much rather that every time they saw me I wasn't a complete blubbery needy crying mess.

So I woke up this morning, and I felt good, happy, as I have here and there over the last week. I've been making myself get up once I wake up, rather than letting the background physical and emotional exhaustion keep me in bed, and it's been the right move. Even if I'm tired through the day, I'm up and about and getting on with my life, rather than lying in bed avoiding it until I feel better. There is a time for that, but I've done it for two weeks and it hasn't been helping, so time to change it.

I also felt sexually quite ready and able, both emotionally and physically, lying on my side with a hard-on so solid it was running parallel to the mattress. God knows, arousal has become a rare fleeting state with me, set off only by a couple of folks (and pretty much nothing else), and then rarely lasting long. So it was nice to feel a bit more like my old self.

Break out the baggy trousers, I'm taking this one out on the town! *grin*

Got up, wandered about, checked mail, replied to the Icon Meme, chatted to mum and Sharon and then... I've broken. Or rather, am in the process of breaking. It started small, feeling a bit teary and low, and it's slowly been building until now I'm at the point where I'm feeling a mess, and needy, and wanting to scream and cry... and I can feel it building beyond that.

While it's to be expected, it still surprises me because two hours ago I was happy. Happy right to my core. Even with all this, I'm still kind of jolly, because that's who I am at heart, it takes a lot to entirely remove it. As the dark waves of emotional pain wash over me, painting me in colours of grey and blue, what I don't get is this - Why now?

Why not last night, when I was feeling frail when I went to bed? Why not this morning? I woke up happy and horny, why didn't I just wake up feeling like this? Why not Friday, the day before that?

These aren't serious questions. I'm well aware that chunks of my mind are working away in the background and they pick their times and places to do things without my consultation.

So, I woke up wanting sex, wanting to feel a warm body moving against mine in shared joy, amusement, lust, whatever mix of things worked. Now it's all about need, closeness, and dropping barriers, not sex. I only want the skinship, the intimacy, want the touch of bare skin against mine from someone I trust to care for me, someone I can be broken with and know that they'll be strong enough hold me for the hours I need to be held...

Oh well, on with the day *smiles*

Comments

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

Do you take antidepressants? A lot of what you describe as "emotinal pain" sounds like what I've learned to identify as "artificial emotion" and a sign of a physical/chemical problem. If it comes in waves and *really* doesn't make sense at the time there's a good chance that it's the body, not the soul in trouble. The pills can reduce the artificial waves, and training can help to sort the real from the rest. For me at any rate...

BTW I like "skinship" :-)

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

Most of this all hit precisely when I left Canberra and started travelling, so quite unlikely to be chemical, mopre likely I finally relaxed and let go - which I assumed would happen to some degree. That it's (more or less) continued at a gradually reducing level I tend to take as the slow healing is happening. Given the last year and a bit, I don't see any of it as a surprise.

I'm generally way, way happier than any five people I know. I take a lot of joy from my world, my life, my friends. The problem with anti-depressants for me is, they tend to even out one's moods, so I wouldn't get the occasional hideous lows, but then I wouldn't get the pretty regular dizzying highs. In my case at least, I don't see the trade off as anything like worth it. In person, most people don't even know that I'm feeling flat, because I'm still happier than they are :)

I love the term, and love all the various meanings, though the essence of it is getting closer to people through touch and/or nudity.

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

Everyone is different of course, but depression is such a fiendishly complex thing. It took a lot of perseverance to get my medication right - and it's a moving target - but it was absolutely worth it in the end. Sure, euphoria is fun, but it was worth it to stop feeling like my body was a puppet of random forces. I make my own euphoria now :-)

*grin* I remember my shrink asking me if I felt like "someone was experimenting on me". "No" I responded, "I don't feel paranoid". Which I thought was pretty funny, in hindsight. Had to be there.

[ghoath.livejournal.com]

I am very interested to read/hear about this. I am going through similar things at the moment, though my lows are not as extreme as yours.
I think it is something to do with being sick, your emotional responses either way are far more accentuated than otherwise. My antidepressants don't help with those big ups and downs, and too much drugs and I went a bit mad which was kinda scarey.

I am also very interested in hearing about how you deal with a new crush; how do you stop it taking over your life? How do you combat that feeling of wanting to do something about it all the time and knowing that you can't?

Would love to talk to you about all this when you're up to it. Last night I was feeling very isolated, but reading your post, I haven't read/heard about anything that ressinates with me as much as this post has. thank you.

*hugs*

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

I didn't go into huge depressions after the stroke, and it didn't hit much even when we lost Tracy. I think it's just the last year and a half having finally caught up with me. It has been an exceptionally rough time for me. Certainly the night when it all hit, everything that had happened was blossoming in my mind like big black fireworks, over and over again.

RE: my crush... I think I may do a post on it. I haven't had a crush (at least, not something I identify as a crush) in a long, long time. Usually people are friends, ones I like, ones I like a lot, ones I love, ones I love a lot, ones I love deeply, ones I'm in love with.

Though it's still more subtle than that. And sometimes I skip any sort of steps and fall straight in love with someone.

Glad my words made you feel less alone. People ask me why I desk about so much of my personal life and thoughts - this is exactly the reason why.

*tight hugs*

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

PS I'm using LJ talk and ICQ (66145955) a bit at the mo', so if you use those feel free to say hi :) If I'm not up to talking, I'll just say,

PPS replace the word 'desk' above with the word 'talk.' I thought I'd caught them all, stupid brain! :)

[mynxii.livejournal.com]

I'm very, very hungry for the skin and closeness and intimacy on that level too.

I'm also peckish for sex, but in that deeply loving and intense intimacy kind of way, less so the fun and 'up for it' kind of way.

*purrryness*