26 awful euphemisms

[dalekboy]

I don't know that these are legit, but given some of the stuff I've read over the years in supposedly serious fiction, it wouldn't surprise me...


A list which compiles 13 awful euphemisms taken from actual romance manuscripts....

Hers

1. aching oozing entrance
2. clutching coming cavern
3. cum hole
4. inflamed seeping tunnel
5. pleading pouting gate of her vagina
6. pulse-pounding swamp of love and cum
7. ultrasensitive cum-covered bud
8. southernmost slippery lips
9. soaking, smothering cave
10. drenched hair-topped cavern
11. bloated pulsing bud
12. constricted, battered hole
13. contracting crease

His

1. buffeting brick-of-a-bat
2. engorged cylindrical monster
3. near-spurting spear
4. object of her oral affection
5. spherical head with its narrow semen-spitting slit
6. thick, long rope of granite
7. torturous tube
8. one-eyed purple-headed yogurt slinger
9. white marble battering ram
10. ready-to-pop pole
11. pointy protrusion
12. bulbous buffeting baton
13. albino boa constrictor

Comments

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

Very romantic. "Pointy protrusion" is kind of cute.

[satyapriya.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm all inspired to write the sex scene of my nanowrimo novel now. Hold me back. "White marble battering ram" - whew!
Many of the female euphemisms sound like the woman has a disease.

[delicious-irony.livejournal.com]

Ayyep.

Any, if not all of these, I can see being taken in for medical attention.

"Doctor, help me! My penis has turned into a melanin-challenged reptile and my pants no longer fit! Not to mention that my wife can no longer cross her legs and we have to take the mop everywhere..."

*facepalm*

[smofbabe.livejournal.com]

"Contracting crease"???? That's supposed to sound romantic??? Sounds like a football play.

[mireille21.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. I've always been rather fond of "moisture seeking missile" myself.

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

I don't know about "fond" but it certainly amuses me more than most of this particular list. Possibly some crossover attraction from referring to cats as "lap-seeking missiles" although the latter is also strangely effective as a euphemism for boy bits.

*avoids all references to pussies*

[mynxii.livejournal.com]

Fuck! I'm speechless but for that - I can't possibly fathom how any of these would work except perhaps in a horror or parody story... i mean really.

[drhoz.livejournal.com]

D:

[satyapriya.livejournal.com]

"Oh darling, sweetheart, please, please me with your albino boa constrictor". yeah, I can picture myself saying that in the heat of passion.

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

Strangely, I really can picture you saying that :P

[stephen-dedman.livejournal.com]

IIRC, Robin Williams once titled a recording of his stand-up act 'Throbbing Python of Love', which is still preferable to the 'slut-slaying gear' once used in the editorial of a biker magazine (and quoted on MediaWatch, before you ask).

the phrases

[khoath.livejournal.com]

oh dear. I have _seen_ most of these in erotic fiction that I have read over the years. I believe the idea is that you are so hot whilst reading that you'll ignore the rashiness of the metafores and the apalling imagery. Perhaps authors find the "pounding his hard cock into her wet c???" a bit repetative; although one could argue that once you are at it the act itself is a bit repetative if you're trying to recount it blow by blow (pun intended). I've also seen purple headed love nazi, whorehammer (tm) with the tm I might add and bulging love trunchion (which I can't spell) I wonder if some poor missguided soul will put up the top 500 of these in wikipedia as a list of genital nomenclature?

[fnork.livejournal.com]

I prefer the term 'Man Handle' myself.

This of course opens up the second layer of euphemism so that one might say that when one is masturbating, you...

'man-handle your Man Handle'