One of the reasons I mentioned that specific incident is that it's one of those cases of reverse sexism, as in, it's generally assumed that guys are gunna automatically love that sort of situation. To a fair extent that's true, but it's amazing how often women will do stuff to or around guys that in many cases if it were the other way around, we'd be told off, called sleazy, etc.
I should be clear that I'm not accusing you of that sort of behaviour, and please don't feel too bad, for a start my memory is a little vague on details as well. You may well have offered and I've since forgotten that, and I can think of all sorts of reasons I may not have acted one way or another - didn't hear, offer was too vague for me to be certain I was being invited, I wasn't comfortable in that particular situation or with one or more of the people involved, I couldn't check with my partner to see if it was ok... the list goes on.
Actually one of the more likely ones is that of being trapped by the limitations of the offer itself. If it was only an invitation to be involved, then there's no indication that just watching (or watching until I feel more comfortable about the idea) is also an option. That's a situation where, if I'm not involved, I would worry about watching in case the active participants took offense or were put off - (He doesn't want to join in, but now he's perving on us!) Some people like to be perved on, some don't. And if I wasn't told that if I felt uncomfortable I could leave, then there's the worry that leaving may cause offense. Which sounds silly but the most important thing I learned from massage is that it's really important to actively give people the option of a 'no' answer, otherwise they tend to feel a pressure to go with yes.
I'm a terrible perve (actually, no, I'm a very good perve!) and if I'd been given clear permission to watch, I probably would have enjoyed that. But not having that option means that if I can't act, and I don't know if watching or leaving may cause offense, I have no idea what course of action to take.
I think and care too much about these things... :)
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Date: 2007-01-18 06:57 am (UTC)One of the reasons I mentioned that specific incident is that it's one of those cases of reverse sexism, as in, it's generally assumed that guys are gunna automatically love that sort of situation. To a fair extent that's true, but it's amazing how often women will do stuff to or around guys that in many cases if it were the other way around, we'd be told off, called sleazy, etc.
I should be clear that I'm not accusing you of that sort of behaviour, and please don't feel too bad, for a start my memory is a little vague on details as well. You may well have offered and I've since forgotten that, and I can think of all sorts of reasons I may not have acted one way or another - didn't hear, offer was too vague for me to be certain I was being invited, I wasn't comfortable in that particular situation or with one or more of the people involved, I couldn't check with my partner to see if it was ok... the list goes on.
Actually one of the more likely ones is that of being trapped by the limitations of the offer itself. If it was only an invitation to be involved, then there's no indication that just watching (or watching until I feel more comfortable about the idea) is also an option. That's a situation where, if I'm not involved, I would worry about watching in case the active participants took offense or were put off - (He doesn't want to join in, but now he's perving on us!) Some people like to be perved on, some don't. And if I wasn't told that if I felt uncomfortable I could leave, then there's the worry that leaving may cause offense. Which sounds silly but the most important thing I learned from massage is that it's really important to actively give people the option of a 'no' answer, otherwise they tend to feel a pressure to go with yes.
I'm a terrible perve (actually, no, I'm a very good perve!) and if I'd been given clear permission to watch, I probably would have enjoyed that. But not having that option means that if I can't act, and I don't know if watching or leaving may cause offense, I have no idea what course of action to take.
I think and care too much about these things... :)