The Worst Thing You've Ever Done

[dalekboy]

This piece is not about any one person specifically, it's about the way people are demonised in general.

I want you to think about the worst thing you've ever done. Something, no matter how long ago you did it, that you're still ashamed of. Don't shy away from it, think hard about the nastiest, shittiest, lowest thing you've ever done to someone.

Now, I want you to imagine people in general, and the internet as a vague group, deciding that's the person you really are.

Think about how they would react, how they would treat you, attack you, the things they would write about you - for a single act. It doesn't matter if it was a mistake, deliberate, or if there were extenuating circumstances - they don't care. There's little to no forgiveness out there, almost every time folks talk about you, it will be in relation to whatever it was you did.

How would that make you feel, as the weeks became months and years, and people still brought it up? How would you feel about the fact that no matter what else you did, there would always be someone there ready to bring up that single bad decision and start the whole thing up again? That every other positive act in your entire life would be deemed unimportant or irrelevant compared to this single event.

I'm not saying there should be universal forgiveness. Some people repeatedly do horrid things to others. I'm not saying there shouldn't be a price to pay for a single error, sometimes we have to make amends. But if the only issue you can find with a person is one really bad thing they've done, then doesn't that suggest there may be more to them than that one act?

Remember this the next time the crowd starts baying for someone's blood over a single mistake, especially if you're part of that crowd. Other people are as complex and have as many layers as you do.

You, and I, are not just the worst thing we ever did.

And neither is anyone else.

Comments

[girliejones.livejournal.com]

The other thing to remember is sometimes the one, worst thing that you did just one time could ruin someone else's life forever.

Get into a car after one drink too many, look down the wrong side of the intersection, veer out and kill someone in your car.

Violate someone else, just once, only the one time, but it plagues and haunts and ruins them forever.

[mondyboy.livejournal.com]

Agreed.

Also, I gotta say, if it was a close friend of mine who'd done the specific act, I'd have to seriously re-evaluate that friendship.

[girliejones.livejournal.com]

I've thought a lot about this. I'm in a position where that's not something I have to do. But for me, the person broke my trust, even though he didn't know he ever had it. I personally can't ever trust him. As a personal safety issue, to protect myself, that's the way it is. Perhaps he hasn't broken the trust he has with his friends. And if that's the case, he's lucky. But ... trust is a big deal for me. And in my experience, you can try but you there are some things you can't earn trust back for.

[mondyboy.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. And I'm not sure how you can truly remain friends with someone if you no longer trust them.

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

Both of those instances read as though the assumption is that the person who ruined another's life isn't affected. There are people across the world who after a bad choice also live with that outcome for the rest of their lives.

I'm not saying that lets them off the hook, or that their suffering should be considered as more important than the needs of their victims, though it is just as real, merely that it should be acknowledged that they don't exist in a vacuum of one act.

You give the example of get into a car after one drink too many, but how many people don't get their cars serviced often enough? Don't check the tires? Drive when tired? To my mind, that's just as irresponsible and thoughtless.

[girliejones.livejournal.com]

I fully agree with you - there are consequences for the person who committed the act. Hopefully they are affected by what they did. And that yeah, they aren't only what they did but so too, something that they did may colour everything else and who they were and it may change the way you perceive that person. Yes they have to carry that - it's kinda part of the consequences of the act.

I actually think there can be redemption but not necessarily in the way perhaps you do.

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

The problem with so many of these terms is that they can mean radically different things to each individual - redemption is one of those.

For me, redemption starts with admission of guilt, and genuine sorrow. You have to understand the impact your actions have had and own that.

There are a lot of people who confuse being genuinely sorry with being sorry you got caught and it's fucked your life up.

[girliejones.livejournal.com]

Well yeah. And you know ... sometimes being genuinely sorry is not enough.

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

No, it doesn't make things right. But I'd still rather genuine sorrow than the pretence of it.

[girliejones.livejournal.com]

Of course

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

Where's my freedom from being defined by this shit?

Does anyone understand how I fight, every fucking day, NOT to be defined in my head by what happened to me?

By seeking justice, having the world define me because I was a victim, and then being forced to shut up about it because if I don't, I'm leading a lynch mob or being defamatory.

There is NO RECOURSE for me.

So fuck people, fuck this "What about the RAPIST?" crap.

He made his bed and he can bloody well lie in it.

[dashakay.livejournal.com]

I don't know you. I've just wandered in via linkspam but I wanted to let you know that this discussion is making me nauseated. Even though we don't know each other, I'm sending you loads of good thoughts. I wish this wouldn't have happened to you in the first place and I'm sorry that you're being re-victimized by this sort of discussion.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I don't think Dalekboy intended to have this sort of discussion, as he was talking about something completely different, but it's a discussion people seem bound and determined about having.

Thanks for the support.