The Worst Thing You've Ever Done

[dalekboy]

This piece is not about any one person specifically, it's about the way people are demonised in general.

I want you to think about the worst thing you've ever done. Something, no matter how long ago you did it, that you're still ashamed of. Don't shy away from it, think hard about the nastiest, shittiest, lowest thing you've ever done to someone.

Now, I want you to imagine people in general, and the internet as a vague group, deciding that's the person you really are.

Think about how they would react, how they would treat you, attack you, the things they would write about you - for a single act. It doesn't matter if it was a mistake, deliberate, or if there were extenuating circumstances - they don't care. There's little to no forgiveness out there, almost every time folks talk about you, it will be in relation to whatever it was you did.

How would that make you feel, as the weeks became months and years, and people still brought it up? How would you feel about the fact that no matter what else you did, there would always be someone there ready to bring up that single bad decision and start the whole thing up again? That every other positive act in your entire life would be deemed unimportant or irrelevant compared to this single event.

I'm not saying there should be universal forgiveness. Some people repeatedly do horrid things to others. I'm not saying there shouldn't be a price to pay for a single error, sometimes we have to make amends. But if the only issue you can find with a person is one really bad thing they've done, then doesn't that suggest there may be more to them than that one act?

Remember this the next time the crowd starts baying for someone's blood over a single mistake, especially if you're part of that crowd. Other people are as complex and have as many layers as you do.

You, and I, are not just the worst thing we ever did.

And neither is anyone else.

Comments

[mrs_roy.livejournal.com]

I have to say this is real food for thought, your parting message is quite lovely. Thank you xx

[delicious-irony.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[paulhaines.livejournal.com]

You know that old joke, don't you? Where the guy does all these good things in his life, but is always remembered for the dalliance with the sheep? Or whatever other punchline has been inserted.

And though we know and wish that is not the way we thought and behaved (ie the worst thing we ever did), it is human nature.

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

I've had this post brewing inside for well over a year, but it was only this weekend at Continuum while chatting to an old friend that I was given the words to sum it up. We were talking about people being demonised and she quoted a TV show where someone basically said 'I'm not just the worst thing I've done.'

She's one of the nicest people I know, and as she said, she'd hate to be known for the worst thing she's done. Same goes for me. I'm pretty well liked, and most people think of me as a nice guy, but I've done stuff that I'd never want others to know about.

We all have these skeletons, but it seems that you should only be really made to pay, again and again, if you have the poor luck or judgement to be found out.

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

I nearly included that joke - "But you fuck one goat..."

I'm just over the mindless herd hate response. Hatred is not justice. Because when you stop to think about it, you just know that of the people loudly screaming about how evil someone is, a portion of them have done stuff at least as bad. They just haven't been found out.

And some are so wrapped up in themselves they've done horrible similarly horrible shit, and never even realised.

[mrs_roy.livejournal.com]

God knows I'm not perfect, but I try to treat other with the respect I expect in return.

Sadly, society today is not accepting of difference, it's a shame really. We're none of us without fault.

[narrelle.livejournal.com]

Sometimes the second worst thing we ever did is to not take responsibility for the worst thing and to try to make amends or at least do better next time. We're not the best thing we ever did, either. Perhaps we are the sum of the consistent attempts to be and do better than we have in the past.

[kaelajael.livejournal.com]

I <3 you! You've managed to articulate what I have only felt.

And some are so wrapped up in themselves they've done horrible similarly horrible shit, and never even realised.

Well said!

[paulhaines.livejournal.com]

If someone else can burn for your sins... it's the cornerstone to modern religion.

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

I almost included a line about we're the sum of our parts, we're not the sum of a single part.

I try to be a good person, because that's who I wish to be. Sometimes I succeed spectacularly, sometimes I fail dramatically. Sometimes I will do something unintentionally shitty with nothing but the best of intentions, sometimes I will do something mean very deliberately because I can see the eventual benefit.

I am human, I will be amazingly kind, and horribly cruel, and the person I am exists inside all my actions, not just a single one.

[ghoath.livejournal.com]

I'll join the chorus of people who agree with this totally.

I know my (and my partner in evil's) biggest sin is, neither of us are proud of it, and we are still both judged in various ways and scared to go close to that circle ever again. Even the judgee who broke the news to the community of concern has admitted that that in itself was a sin to do, as in respect for myself and my partner-in-evil's long term reputations.

But from what I can tell, it seems to be worse in a hobby society group thing rather than in a disability group. In a hobby society, people seem to find it easier to deamonise people because they feel ike if they push someone hard enough they can push someone out, which of course backfires when that person is strong or brutally stubburn enough to go "fuck this, I'm staying" and then everyone else gets more angsty and miserable, rather than figuring out how to work around that person's faults.

In contrast, my experience of disability groups seems to be that we have to be a bit more tolerant and understanding of each other, because you know that you are going to know, and need to put up with, these people for the rest of your life. Come what may, you can't stop being part of that disability group. So even though you don't agree with a whole bunch of things someone does, or has done, you still have to figure out on what level you relate to them or can be civilised with them, so it doesn't appear that you are having a go at them all the time, because that gets tedious pretty quickly.

Just my ovservations anyway.

It would be an interesting experiment, to have a post where you invite people to annonymously fess up to their worse sin; giving context of the situation without revealing names and places. You wouldn't want people to publicly judge each other as a result, even annonymously, because that could hurt people, but it would be interesting to see what people thought of each other's crimes, when they were faceless. Or you could do it in a way where the rules are, if you post your sin, you open yourself up to having any annonymous criticism levelled at you. I for one would be interested to see what random people who didn't know the people or circumstances involved, thought of my supposed sin.

[sjl.livejournal.com]

You have to wonder how many of them are screaming because they're secretly afraid that it might have been them - because they've done as bad, or worse, at some point, or fear that they might one day.

I know that I live with a fear like that myself ... but I try my damnedest to not project it onto others. I don't know how well I succeed.

[leecetheartist.livejournal.com]

Good post there, Danny.

One of the things that I find continually shocking is the terrible knee jerk reaction of some people on the net - I've seen it happen again and again on LJ, which is where I am the most, but I bet it happens everywhere else too.

A person will say something online, and heck, it might be in their own blog and it might be completely agin the thoughts of one, some or even all of their friends. Or they're having a bad day, and they don't phrase something right, whatever.

For example...

"Gods, blue spotted finglewangles are loathsome. They're a complete waste of space, vicious and I hate people who talk about them constantly."

What I find childish and just plain damn stupid and petty, instead of letting the 'culprit' explain, or bothering to interpret, or just opening a dialogue is the

"I'm going to defriend you and block you never speak to me again"

reaction.

And I've seen this happen over and over. There's no right of reply.

Would it not be better to say something like

"Gee, you really hurt my feelings there because I think blue spotted finglewangles are very sensitive and I actually have two, but I've known you for years and I'd hate to just write you off like that, can we talk about this?"

It's something that really bothers me, and it relates to your post very well.

[punkrocker1991.livejournal.com]

good thoughts, I was pondering just this on my drive to work today, and am glad to then find out I don't have to try to articulate this. I think that this also gets complicated by the different weightings we each give to what is good and bad: what is a minor misdemeanor to some is really bad to others.

[punkrocker1991.livejournal.com]

What has started me pondering this is the hoohaa over a woman in WA needing a new liver. On one hand she's a human being who may be able to be helped. On the other, she's already had her body reject one liver, possibly related to her history of drug use. Even the ABC manages to throw "drug addict" into any headline it possibly can, as if drug addicts are less human than the rest.

[capnoblivious.livejournal.com]

+1

[drew-bowie.livejournal.com]

Very, very well said.

[strangedave.livejournal.com]

Well said.
One of the things that has bothered me about the recent Swancon thing is people talking about how they don't understand how you could be friends with someone who has done something so dreadful, how their friends will get demonised too, how the guy is better watch out. And I know that, to their friends, no matter how awful the thing they have done is, their friends and family get to see all the rest of them, see a lot more than I see.

Sure, I might want people out of particular spaces, sure I might have more compassion for the victim, but I also don't think that this one act defines that whole persons life and his friends and family should stop caring about them, or that we should criticise them for doing so.

[girliejones.livejournal.com]

The other thing to remember is sometimes the one, worst thing that you did just one time could ruin someone else's life forever.

Get into a car after one drink too many, look down the wrong side of the intersection, veer out and kill someone in your car.

Violate someone else, just once, only the one time, but it plagues and haunts and ruins them forever.

[mondyboy.livejournal.com]

While I agree with this sentiment, and I while I think we should be tolerant, as Girlie Jones states, we need to think of the victim as well.

Matthew Johns, who was involved in the sexual violation of an 18 year old girl with ten other men (alledgedly), did only one thing. he said sorry publically, and about six, maybe nine months later he now has a new TV show on Channel 7.

That makes me sick. It makes me sick to think that the Australian public has already forgiven him to the point that Channel 7 feel they can make a show with him. It makes me sick that the victim has already been forgotten.

In the case that been discussed (re Swancon) over the last couple of weeks, I can't help but feel disgusted by what the person did. Sorry, but that's how I'm wired. I won't act violently against that person, but I'd rather not know him or be in the same place as him, or those people who support him and suggest that "she's not so innocent in all this".

What I'm trying to say, and badly, is that we should be tolerant and accepting and understand that we don't walk in those same shoes of the person who committed act. But we can't forget the victim. And sometimes saying I'm sorry won't be enough.

[mondyboy.livejournal.com]

Agreed.

Also, I gotta say, if it was a close friend of mine who'd done the specific act, I'd have to seriously re-evaluate that friendship.

[girliejones.livejournal.com]

I've thought a lot about this. I'm in a position where that's not something I have to do. But for me, the person broke my trust, even though he didn't know he ever had it. I personally can't ever trust him. As a personal safety issue, to protect myself, that's the way it is. Perhaps he hasn't broken the trust he has with his friends. And if that's the case, he's lucky. But ... trust is a big deal for me. And in my experience, you can try but you there are some things you can't earn trust back for.

[mondyboy.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. And I'm not sure how you can truly remain friends with someone if you no longer trust them.

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

At the abattoirs I worked with thieves, murderers, and rapists, and some of them were much nicer people than the folks there who hadn't been arrested for a crime.

Hell, I'd still rather hang with those people than some fans I know, who haven't done anything as serious in scale, but seem to fill their lives with lots of small, nasty, spiteful, self-serving acts.

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

Both of those instances read as though the assumption is that the person who ruined another's life isn't affected. There are people across the world who after a bad choice also live with that outcome for the rest of their lives.

I'm not saying that lets them off the hook, or that their suffering should be considered as more important than the needs of their victims, though it is just as real, merely that it should be acknowledged that they don't exist in a vacuum of one act.

You give the example of get into a car after one drink too many, but how many people don't get their cars serviced often enough? Don't check the tires? Drive when tired? To my mind, that's just as irresponsible and thoughtless.