The Worst Thing You've Ever Done

[dalekboy]

This piece is not about any one person specifically, it's about the way people are demonised in general.

I want you to think about the worst thing you've ever done. Something, no matter how long ago you did it, that you're still ashamed of. Don't shy away from it, think hard about the nastiest, shittiest, lowest thing you've ever done to someone.

Now, I want you to imagine people in general, and the internet as a vague group, deciding that's the person you really are.

Think about how they would react, how they would treat you, attack you, the things they would write about you - for a single act. It doesn't matter if it was a mistake, deliberate, or if there were extenuating circumstances - they don't care. There's little to no forgiveness out there, almost every time folks talk about you, it will be in relation to whatever it was you did.

How would that make you feel, as the weeks became months and years, and people still brought it up? How would you feel about the fact that no matter what else you did, there would always be someone there ready to bring up that single bad decision and start the whole thing up again? That every other positive act in your entire life would be deemed unimportant or irrelevant compared to this single event.

I'm not saying there should be universal forgiveness. Some people repeatedly do horrid things to others. I'm not saying there shouldn't be a price to pay for a single error, sometimes we have to make amends. But if the only issue you can find with a person is one really bad thing they've done, then doesn't that suggest there may be more to them than that one act?

Remember this the next time the crowd starts baying for someone's blood over a single mistake, especially if you're part of that crowd. Other people are as complex and have as many layers as you do.

You, and I, are not just the worst thing we ever did.

And neither is anyone else.

Comments

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

This is the problem I'm having with this attitude and that post of yours, Danny - it's not one mistake.

It's never one mistake!

A mistake is accidentally running over your neighbour's cat because you didn't see it behind your car. A mistake is tripping and spilling red wine on your best friend's white silk dress. A moment, a simple moment of not looking where you're going, not thinking about what your'e doing, and bam! Disaster!

What happened to me wasn't a mistake. It was a series of coldly calculated events that culminated in a moment where I was violated.

I wasn't the only one violated. Other women have come forward to me and said that they, too, were hurt by this man. Out of respect for their healing process, I will not say who they are.

So, that's a lot of mistakes, yeah?

I don't define a person by one mistake. But I WILL define them by repeatedly criminal behaviours that they perpetrate over and over again. Sorry if that bothers your sense of civil liberty.

I'm more concerned about the people that get hurt by predators like him than for the predators and their ickle fucking feelings themselves.

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

Okay, I want to remind you I made a point of warning you away from this post because of triggering comments, you've come and read them anyway. It wasn't some smarmy little trap to draw you in. I know you read my LJ, I figured you'd look at the comments on this one, I tried to avoid you doing that. Was it a mistake for me to warn you and expect you to listen? Possibly. But I tried to do the right thing. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

Next let me point out that at the beginning of the post I made it clear this wasn't about any one person. This post has been brewing for a hell of a long time in various forms, since well before what happened to you. It's only due to a discussion over the last weekend that I had the words to sum it up.

I could have waited until the current furore about your situation had died down, but then, there's always another situation that people will find links to with a post like this. And I suspect with your situation I could have posted this in two years and people would still bring up what happened to you.

Thinking of some of the people that this is about -
- The person who organised an event, made some mistakes that inconvenienced a lot of people, and folks are still labelling him as unreliable over a decade later.
- The person done for a single count of theft several years ago, and I still hear people telling newcomers, 'Don't trust such-and-such, they're a thief.'
- The person who told some lies that got out of control a few years back, who has since more than shown a new leaf, still branded a liar.
- And God knows how many Swancons, Natcons, etc. where I've heard such-and-such ran a bad one, never let them near a committee again.

That's just the start. I still hear about these people and more, months and years later.

Apart from when others specifically referenced your attacker in comments and I replied, when did I bring him up in this post, let alone say he made a mistake? In fact I specifically stated he chose to do the wrong thing.

In the comment you replied to I state that if someone can understand their actions are wrong, then they are guilty, and should pay the price. Do I say Matthew Johns made a mistake? No, I state that we should lock him up. Do I say we should let your assaulter off? No, I say that he can come back when his victim says it's okay - fully expecting that to be never.

Your pain is yours and it's real. And I'm sorry that you read this post as being about you, reigniting that pain. But it never was never about you, it was about the kneejerk herd mentality that thrives on hatred and blame, not justice.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, Danny.

My week has been so unbelievably shitty, I don't even know where to start. K is in her journal making out like the assault was partly my fault, and I am absolutely paranoid of that becoming the accepted truth of the situation.

It's put me in a hyper-vigilant defensive state. I can't tell you what this whole thing has done to me psychologically. It's come to a point where I'm taking a bit of a sabbatical from this entire issue cause I can't deal with it anymore. Sorry you were blindsided by that defensiveness.

I guess I'm more angry with people equating your post here with what happened to me. It's not a comparable situation.

Anyway, sorry for losing my shit. My deeply horrible bad.

[dalekboy.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*

And I'm sorry for the poor timing, and you being upset, it wasn't intentional.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*big big hugs*